It's funny, beginning to write my thoughts and feelings down. I'm a very emotional being but I spend a lot of time in my head. I have a lot to say, but for some reason I keep it to myself; in my head, in my heart where I store it for moments I feel it is appropriate to share. I don't carry on conversations well except on occasion when I feel inquisitive or well educated on the subject. I try not to open my mouth unless I know I can put up a good argument to defend my opinion. I can't help but blame this partially on being an only child for my entire childhood with parents that were in an era of 80's rock music, big hair, drugs, cut off jean shorts... well you get the picture.
Interacting with me wasn't exactly what these two had in mind!
I feel like there is so much I want to record and share that I don't know where to begin.
Since we just welcomed Ashton to our family; I guess it is appropriate to write about my pregnancy and delivery. For some reason I am so scared to write this one. Probably because it is such a life-changing event, I want it to be perfect; and I know it will never come out the way it felt. It is important for me to remember how long I wanted another child and the constant heart ache I felt with each month that passed. I didn't want Taeden to miss out on having sibling relationships the way I did growing up. I was lonely and always wished there was someone to grow up with. With my health, time passing, and losing a baby, the possibility of another child seemed to dissipate. I am undeniably and forever grateful that Ashton came before the last year passed that I was willing to try. He was well worth the wait and came in perfect timing.
I have never felt photogenic and being pregnant and the size of an elephant did not make me feel any more so. However, knowing this was my last, I took a few pictures and had a small photo shoot before before Ashton came.
Horrible picture, I know but I kept it for a reason; you can't see my face well.
Sweet hubs painting my toe nails on said monstrous feet....
My feet were huge and not only were my feet swollen, but from my knees down to my ankles it was the same size; so actually my ankles did not exist - tree trunk legs I feel is appropriate.
This is on Taeden's Birthday party January 1, 13 days before Ashton's Birthday.
A picture of me and my dear friend Patricia at Ashton's baby shower, only 7 days before his Birthday!
An old friend from high school; his sweet wife took a few pictures of me. She did a great job.
During the last check up with my Dr, I was told the soonest she would induce would be a week before my due date (which was not until February 2nd). I remember crying on my way back to the car thinking there is no way I will last that long. At that time, that was close to four weeks away. I had a rough pregnancy and towards the end it took all I had to keep a straight face while I drug myself around. I was having contractions often, but only strong enough to make me uncomfortable. The days seemed to last forever, but before I knew it, it was time for Ashton's baby shower. Finally, we made it to this huge milestone! The week following was by far the hardest. Every night after work I had Jesse help me into the bath so I could soak and try to relieve some of the pain. I was having contractions all of the time. Everyday at work it was a debate for me whether or not I should go on leave or not.
The amazing thing about being female and expecting is when you are about to go into labor; you just know. You begin preparing yourself for the pain, you get excited, scared. I didn't sleep a blink on that Friday night. I knew he was coming. I did what I always do at the last minuet before something huge that I didn't think through completely... I panicked. I started thinking we made a mistake, that our family of three is already perfect - perfect and easy. I got scared that I wouldn't be a good mom, that the simplicity of my life has made me selfish in ways that couldn't possibly accommodate a baby. I cried silently in bed while Jesse slept. As the hours passed by, the questioning stopped and I prepared myself for labor. When Jesse left for work that morning I told him I was going to drop in the hospital to be checked. I tried to get ready but the contractions were more painful and consistent, I didn't think it would be safe for me to drive. My mom picked me up and took me to the hospital. After being checked a few times over a couple of hours, the nurse told me because Ashton seemed to be moving down that I should go walk for an hour and come back. After walking the halls of the hospital for an hour, Jesse came from work and when we went back Dr. Hebert gave the okay to induce - I was officially in labor!
Things that I want to remember about that day is: Jesse's apparent anxiety that he tried so hard to keep unnoticeable. Watching my very first football game: San Francisco vs. New Orleans. The best part was the 49ers won. Since I never watch football, I don't have a favorite team but the 49ers take it since San Francisco holds a special place in my heart. I will never forget our unexpected guests and how nice it was to have Chrisy hold my hand and comfort me through some of the last contractions before I had Ashton. I will never forget watching Jesse from afar as he looked at Ashton and took pictures of him. I will never forget holding him for the first time knowing I had to go for surgery, not wanting to let him go. There are a handful of moments of clarity to me, and Ashton's birth was one of them.
