The story of us....

I think it is important for children to know the story of their parents; how they met, fell in love and became life partners.  This is my attempt to tell the story of Jesse and I; how we met, fell in love, and became life partners. 

Let me take you back to High school.... Yes, we met in High school.  How cool is it that we had young love, went our own ways, and fate brought us back to each other 6 years later.  Jesse and I met through our good friends Tony and Mieshka. Mieshka met Tony while I was away on vacation.  When I got back she suggested a double date.  Lucky for me, Jesse is who Tony brought along.  I remember Jesse being quiet, kind of reserved but, as the night progressed he started talking more, and by the end of the night he was the Jesse I know today; a great conversationalist and comedian. The night ended with Jesse making everyone laugh while we watched Dirty Dancing.  I remember having those butterflies in your stomach when you really like someone.

That was the beginning of our adventures.  We did a lot of fun things together - the four of us.  School dances, drives to Park City, eating at Main street pizza and noodle.  We played late nights at parks, drove out to the airport and ran around like it was the coolest place on earth (before security went on the rise, of course.)  It felt care free, just the way being in High school should.  But just like High school our relationship ended. 

We both went our own ways; Jesse moved to St. George to start college.  And me, well that is a long story but to bypass a lot of life changing lessons, growth, and heartache.  I had met Brandon, married, had my sweet first born Taeden, and then divorced. 

Broken hearted with Taeden in tow; I eventually reconnected with Jesse.  I had run into him before but, it was more of old friends just hanging out.  Time had passed and one day Mieshka and I decided on Jamba Juice for lunch and as we were driving by, I looked over and there he was!  I had to stop in and say hi.  I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day, and with the exchange of phone numbers; I had those butterflies again!  The rest is history.  We have been together ever since.

Falling in love for me began with Jesse's interactions and affection towards Taeden.  From the beginning, Jesse jumped in with both feet and loved him as his own.  There nothing more reassuring than watching friendship and love blossom between the two of them.  Being a single mom, I had feelings of doubt and sadness that finding someone who would accept me for me, and who would love Taeden the way I did; it felt impossible.  Not to mention being the person who comes after a divorce and a break-up; well I know being that person was anything but desirable for Jesse.  I don't think he realizes, or maybe he does but he healed my broken heart.

The series of events that followed soon after we started dating were hard.  We were in a terrible ATV accident; which was my fault.  That accident left me full of injuries; a broken wrist, my front teeth missing, a broken nose, and to top it off I was having seizures.  He was there through it all and he loved me just the same.  I started physical therapy to help with neck pain that I thought was associated with the accident.  After three years with no results, I sought out further investigation from a neurologist. 

It was in the middle of a cold winter; the call came on Valentines Day.  I had an AVM (arteriovenious malformation) in my brain.  They develop before birth, so I had it my entire life, just didn't know it.  During a whirlwind of Dr. visits, MRI's, angiograms, and obsessing on the internet; I decided I would go forward with the surgical resectioning.  I had a great neurosurgeon; and his lack of details on the after effects the surgery left me confident.  He only emphasized that I was young and my chances of a full recovery from surgery were much greater than if I was to have an aneurysm some day.  So there we were; two young adults going about life and BOOM - I needed brain surgery. After I was told I had the AVM I would have panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night and could swear my arm and fingers were tingling; sure signs I was having a stroke. It was a complete nightmare.  In my mind, the surgery could not come soon enough.

That May, as a family, we took a vacation to Mexico.  The first night there at sunset Jesse had his mom and dad put a heart in the sand that said "marry me" written in it.  Once I read it and realized what was going on, I turned around and there he was down on one knee in the sand asking me to marry him.  I could barely respond; I think Jesse eventually asked me if I was going to answer.  It takes an amazing person to put their heart out on the line and ask someone to marry them when there is so much that is unknown in the future.    
Our vacation was over as quickly as it started.  We returned home to the reality of a brain surgery scheduled for July.

It is said that with heartache and trials, we learn and grow the most.  Lord knows I felt like I had lived through enough heartache and concured enough trials in my life, and that this was just another speed bump in the road; but I had no idea what I was about to learn when I woke up with half a head of hair, my face sagging, not being able to commuicate to people the way I was used to, and not being able to move half of my body.  I quickly learned that things we think are most important to us, really have little or no meaning at all.  You think you really want that new t.v, car, or that you want to be skinny with the newest clothes.  Try going one day without the use of an arm; makes simple tasks such as getting dressed, tying shoes, eating, bathing, it makes nearly everything almost impossible.  Not being able to walk; it makes it impossible to run in those moments when all you want to do is go home and have things the way they were.  With my surgery I temporarily lost the use of my left side.  It delayed my thinking, my speaking, pretty much everything was effected.  And that is not even touching the damage it did to my self confidence.

I remember having to relearn how to walk; it makes me emotional.  It was the strangest feeling knowing I knew how to walk once and physically not being able to.  It was scary, and frustrating to say the least.  I remember during one of my therapy sessions walking about four steps; it was so mentally exhausting that it drained me physically.  It was the strangest thing.  I can't help but wonder if this is what it is like for toddlers when they are learning how to walk.  My time at the hospital was full of emotions; I know there were times when I felt encouraged, proud, loved, blessed, and other times when my pain far exceeded physical pain.  When I felt the deepest despair and questioned God why did he do this to me when I felt like I had gone through enough pain in my life.  Little did I know all my feelings of pain, disappointment, and frusteration would be rolled up into an experiance that made me a better person, or at least I like to think it did.

I will never forget the amount of love shown to me by Jesse during that time.  He was so encouraging for me; not only in the way of a future wedding, but reaching our dreams together.  I worked so hard in rehab so I could go home and make things normal again. 

There is a picture that is engraved in my mind.  I am at the very end of the hall during a therapy session with Bonnie (she was my favorite therapist)  they had me pushing a shopping cart up and down the halls.  I looked up and at the opposite end of the hall - there he was, smiling, waiting for me to make it to the other end cheering me on.  There are many more of these moments; when I was struggling, wishing I wasn't in that situation and he would show up after a long day of work to go to a therapy session with me, to pushing me harder, to see the progress that I had made.  He brought me treats or whatever I asked for from outside of the hospital, and once we got permission; he brought Sally every night for sleepovers at the hospital.  He never left me except to go to work.  He got up multiple times during the night to help me to the restroom, he helped me shower and had patience when I would complain I was cold.  He braided my hair so it was out of my face.  But most of all - he never abandon me.  The entire staff always told me I was so lucky to have such a good guy by my side; that many people loose their spouse during such difficult situations.  But I already knew I was blessed and God only knows how much I love Jesse for that.

We got married exactly one year after Dr Reichman removed my AVM to the day.  Talk about a huge milestone.  I was long past dressing myself, shaving my own armpits, walking, back to work, and I had hair!  The date wasn't intentional, it just worked out that way!  I feel like that is the way it has always been for Jesse and I; destiny. 

Our wedding did not go perfect.  The "highly recommended" flower lady for Utah Valley was late.  Consequently, our cake was bare, all the flowers for decoration were not out, and I was out in the trailor waiting for a bouquet before I would walk out; making everyone wait in the crisp, hot summer temps of July!  The DJ didn't play any of the songs I spent so much time picking out, he caused a super awkward moment playing a song I didn't ask him to during a pause when the pastor was marrying us.  (guess that is why his business is named The Budget DJ !)  My hair looked nothing like I had envisioned, actually it looked awful.  Sadly, we do not have any good pictures of our wedding, but during the most important part when we both made vows to spend the rest of our physical and spiritual lives together  - this busy world stood still, and it was perfect.  This day will forever be engraved in my heart.

And that is only the beginning.....

Ashton month three

Ashton,

You are such a strong three month boy! Your dad calls you a “super baby”! He says you are going to skip crawling and go right into walking (even though you have some time before you do either.) You have gained so much control of your neck; I think you will be able to play in your new activity center any day now. You have been so much fun the last couple of weeks; ever since we changed your formula to soy your belly has been so much easier on you. You smile all of the time and I cannot wait for you to start laughing.

There are two things you take VERY serious: bath time, and your bedtime rice bottle! You LOVE bath time and you get so mad every time we take you out – I mean scream at the top of your lungs mad! And eating - you throw the cutest tantrums when it is time to burp you; you have this fake cry and if you’re mad enough you throw your arms around and if we are not careful you slam us with your head! I can’t help but laugh at you… or kiss you!

You are my little buddy and I am so sad that I had to go back to work this month. I have missed you so much. I try to catch up on our time with baths and rocking you to sleep; your big brother reads to all of us every night, he is reading The Hunger Games (even Sally and Holly join!) This is my new favorite time of the day. Every morning feels like it’s a race between dad and I who can get to you first.

Your dad and I love you so much; we can’t imagine our life without you.

Love,

Mom

And he sleeps!

I hate to curse our luck, but Ashton has slept two nights in a row all through the night.  However, it has been in our bed with dad one night on the floor one night and the other on the couch.  You would think he's in trouble with me or something.  Tonight is the night I have got to get my boy to sleep in his crib.   However, I have caught many great smiles the last two days and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with getting a good nights sleep.

I haven't posted pictures of Ashton's room yet, but I LOVE it.  I did all the decorating myself.  Dad helped paint and he hung the shelf.  Yes, the shelf is almost to the ceiling but he says "its sturdy, and it's high enough I won't hit my head on it, and that's what matters.")  The problem with my decorating is; it either stimulates Ashton's brain too much that he can't stop staring at the walls or he thinks it is scary.  I swear he could be so tired and once I get him in his room and finish feeding him, his eyes are wide open and he is fully alert staring at the walls. 

But today at nap time.....he slept!  The best part was it was effortlessly, he didn't cry, he didn't scream, he just kicked around a bit and then went to sleep. 

I originally wanted retro owls, but I couldn't find anything that I had pictured in my mind, so it defaulted to this "forest friends" fabric with some other retro material.  Aunt Diane did a great job making the bedding for Ashton. 

I made his letters with Toy story and Cars childrens books, tore out pictures I liked and mod podged them on. 

Ashton month two

Sweet Ashton,
This month you have been busy eating and growing.  You now weigh 11.11lbs and are 23 inches long.  You went from the 25th percentile to 50th in length, and 50 to70th percentile in weight, and 25 to 50th in head circumference!  I knew you were getting big, you have been wearing three month size clothes since you were six weeks! This month we moved you to sleep in your bedroom,  I was pretty tender hearted and shed a few tears but you have a great room we prepared for you and I think we all sleep a little better.  I would be lying if I didn't say you have been challenging this month; but who doesn't like a good challenge!  Getting you to bed isn't always easy and you get up once in the night to eat.  And lately you don't want to go back to sleep well unless it is in bed with me and dad...you stinker.  You are so strong.  You rolled over once, but it was on the bed and dad was sitting next to you, so with the lean I don't think it counts.  It will be soon though.  You are so curious about everything around you and when you are studying something, you don't like to be interrupted.  Especially me kissing your fat cheeks - it makes you mad, but I can't help myself. 

Our time together has been cherished and not possible without grandma Bonnie and grandpa Terry's help.  They have given me the opportunity to stay home, care for you, watch you grow for your first three months.  It is time that is irreplaceable and they will never know how much this gift means to me. 

I can't forget to mention you have flashed a few smiles and it seems they are becoming more and more often.  Your smiles could brighten anybody's day.  I can't wait until you start laughing and "talking" a bit more.  Your family loves you very much and as always, I can't wait for what our future holds.

Love,
Mom

Look at that perfect baby!  I love you Ashton

Ashton's first month

Ashton,

I can’t believe one month has already gone by since you were born. I love staring at you, memorizing all of your details. I don’t ever want to forget all the things I love - how soft your skin is, the hair on the back of your ears and back, you have the best cheeks for kissing, and amazing blue eyes that I could look into for hours. I can see you thinking and trying to figure things out. You have perfect lips, the longest fingers and toes (you get those from your dad.) You look just like your dad, and at times seem to have his temper - I love it! You are already so strong; I know you will be rolling over before I know it. You are very serious about eating and when you’re hungry if I’m not ready to feed you, you get very upset.

Having you is such a blessing and I am forever grateful God has entrusted you to us. It has been a long time since I’ve had to care for a new baby – 10 years! The thing is you have a wonderful dad, mom, and big brother who make a great team. We will always protect you and help guide you through your life. I am so excited for every day ahead of us and the fun we will have together.

Love,
Mom

Well worth the wait with perfect timing.

     It's funny, beginning to write my thoughts and feelings down.  I'm a very emotional being but I spend a lot of time in my head.  I have a lot to say, but for some reason I keep it to myself; in my head, in my heart where I store it for moments I feel it is appropriate to share.  I don't carry on conversations well except on occasion when I feel inquisitive or well educated on the subject.  I try not to open my mouth unless I know I can put up a good argument to defend my opinion.  I can't help but blame this partially on being an only child for my entire childhood with parents that were in an era of 80's rock music, big hair, drugs, cut off jean shorts... well you get the picture. 

Interacting with me wasn't exactly what these two had in mind!

I feel like there is so much I want to record and share that I don't know where to begin.

     Since we just welcomed Ashton to our family; I guess it is appropriate to write about my pregnancy and delivery.  For some reason I am so scared to write this one.  Probably because it is such a life-changing event, I want it to be perfect; and I know it will never come out the way it felt.  It is important for me to remember how long I wanted another child and the constant heart ache I felt with each month that passed.  I didn't want Taeden to miss out on having sibling relationships the way I did growing up.  I was lonely and always wished there was someone to grow up with.  With my health, time passing, and losing a baby, the possibility of another child seemed to dissipate.  I am undeniably and forever grateful that Ashton came before the last year passed that I was willing to try.  He was well worth the wait and came in perfect timing.

     I have never felt photogenic and being pregnant and the size of an elephant did not make me feel any more so.  However, knowing this was my last, I took a few pictures and had a small photo shoot before before Ashton came.

Horrible picture, I know but I kept it for a reason; you can't see my face well.

Sweet hubs painting my toe nails on said monstrous feet.... 

My feet were huge and not only were my feet swollen, but from my knees down to my ankles it was  the same size; so actually my ankles did not exist - tree trunk legs I feel is appropriate.

This is on Taeden's Birthday party January 1, 13 days before Ashton's Birthday.

A picture of me and my dear friend Patricia at Ashton's baby shower, only 7 days before his Birthday!

An old friend from high school; his sweet wife took a few pictures of me.  She did a great job.

     During the last check up with my Dr, I was told the soonest she would induce would be a week before my due date (which was not until February 2nd). I remember crying on my way back to the car thinking there is no way I will last that long.  At that time, that was close to four weeks away.  I had a rough pregnancy and towards the end it took all I had to keep a straight face while I drug myself around.  I was having contractions often, but only strong enough to make me uncomfortable.   The days seemed to last forever, but before I knew it, it was time for Ashton's baby shower.  Finally, we made it to this huge milestone!  The week following was by far the hardest.  Every night after work I had Jesse help me into the bath so I could soak and try to relieve some of the pain.  I was having contractions all of the time.  Everyday at work it was a debate for me whether or not I should go on leave or not. 

     The amazing thing about being female and expecting is when you are about to go into labor; you just know.  You begin preparing yourself for the pain, you get excited, scared.  I didn't sleep a blink on that Friday night.  I knew he was coming.  I did what I always do at the last minuet before something huge that I didn't think through completely... I panicked.  I started thinking we made a mistake, that our family of three is already perfect - perfect and easy.  I got scared that I wouldn't be a good mom, that the simplicity of my life has made me selfish in ways that couldn't possibly accommodate a baby.  I cried silently in bed while Jesse slept.  As the hours passed by, the questioning stopped and I prepared myself for labor.  When Jesse left for work that morning I told him I was going to drop in the hospital to be checked.  I tried to get ready but the contractions were more painful and consistent, I didn't think it would be safe for me to drive.  My mom picked me up and took me to the hospital.  After being checked a few times over a couple of hours, the nurse told me because Ashton seemed to be moving down that I should go walk for an hour and come back.  After walking the halls of the hospital for an hour, Jesse came from work and when we went back Dr. Hebert gave the okay to induce - I was officially in labor! 

      Things that I want to remember about that day is: Jesse's apparent anxiety that he tried so hard to keep unnoticeable.  Watching my very first football game: San Francisco vs. New Orleans.  The best part was the 49ers won.  Since I never watch football, I don't have a favorite team but the 49ers take it since San Francisco holds a special place in my heart.  I will never forget our unexpected guests and how nice it was to have Chrisy hold my hand and comfort me through some of the last contractions before I had Ashton.  I will never forget watching Jesse from afar as he looked at Ashton and took pictures of him.  I will never forget holding him for the first time knowing I had to go for surgery, not wanting to let him go.  There are a handful of moments of clarity to me, and Ashton's birth was one of them.   

Pregnancy as a wish granted; as the last time.

Because it is in my nature to be negative; I am going to start off by saying my pregnancy with Ashton was not nine months of complete bliss.  Naturally, I was pretty sick the first three-four months with morning/afternoon/evening sickness.  Once I got past that I had already started packing on the pounds that totalled 45 by the time I delivered.  I was swollen and did not have the energy or drive to workout.  I could not find a pair of shoes that fit my feet to save my life, even the ugly Crocs wouldn't fit.  I was left with slippers in the middle of winter.  Thank goodness this winter has been unlike any winter I can remember; pretty much zero snow in the valley.  I was blessed with a loving husband who willingly painted my toenails, cooked, cleaned, etc.  Okay, pretty much everything without complaint.   

My pregnant state is not what I care to remember; it is the unspoken agreement from Jesse that he was finally ready to give me what I had wanted for so many years - the experience to be a mom again, a sibling for Taeden, someone to create memories with, another child to love.  It was in those moments that I felt the most trust and love from him. 

We agreed that this child would be our last.  Factoring our financial status, our age, and Taeden's age this is what makes sense to us; to our particular situation.  I have never been one to think too deep about anything.  I don't really let work expectations, money, or other important responsibilities get to me.  It's not because I don't care, because I do.  But for some reason I just don't think about things deep, or long term enough to let it bother me.  As an example; it was not until the night before my major brain surgery when I was in the hospital, in bed that I had a full blown anxiety attack.  It came out of nowhere and makes perfect sense.  To me this is a blessing and a curse. 

It was not until my newborn was taken from my arms and my husband left the delivery room that my heart began to sink.  I just finished a 15 hour labor to a pregnancy that I felt was going to be the death of me and all I could think was "I made the wrong decision."  (referring to getting my tubes tied.)  This decision was not pressured on me and I had a number of opportunities to change my mind and to speak it, but I didn't.  I will never forget the mixed feelings I had laying in the surgical room on the cold steel table surrounded by people in masks that carried on regular conversations while ending my ability to bring another life into this world. The feeling of urgency to get to my new baby, it felt like I was in that room for a lifetime.  The time spent in that operating room is when I experianced pregnancy for the last time.